Many Christians desire to marry and to marry well. Marrying well is not only important for the sake of the couple’s quality of life, but because marriage images the gospel: “This mystery [marriage] is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph 5:32). Since marriage is a gospel witness, it is imperative that Christians marry well. In this article, I want to address Christian women and provide them with six essential characteristics to seek in a potential husband according to the Bible.
1. He Must Be a Christian
Your potential husband must be a Christian. In giving advice to widows, Paul says that Christians must marry someone who is “in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39). To marry someone “in the Lord,” means to marry someone who is a Christian (see my article “Should Christians Marry Non-Christians” for further explanation). This means that a woman should not even go out on a date with a man who does not profess to be a Christian.
How do you determine if a man is a Christian? First, ask him to give you the gospel message, or ask him to tell you how he got saved/received forgiveness of sins. If he is unable to tell you how he got saved from his sin, then he is most likely not a Christian. Second, determine if he lives like a Christian. The entire letter of 1 John is clear that you can know a person is a Christian if he (a) loves other Christians in deed, not just word and (b) walks in the light as God is in the light (i.e., keeps God’s commandments). If your potential husband can verbalize and live the gospel, then he is most likely a Christians and “in the Lord.”
2. He Must Be a He
I can’t believe this needs to be said, but it is the 2020s. Your potential husband must be a male from birth. Now that Western culture has abandoned the truth that there are two genders—male and female—that one is born either male or female, and one cannot change genders/sex, we can no longer trust perception and outer appearance. You need to verify that the ‘man’ you are courting is actually a man; you cannot take this for granted anymore. The maleness of the husband is assumed throughout all of Scripture and is, thus, biblical (see Genesis 2:23–24 and Ephesians 5:22–33).
3. He Must Not Be Divorced
Your potential husband must never have been divorced, unless the divorce was because his previous wife committed adultery. I know this is a controversial one in the 21st century, but it is clearly biblical. Matthew 19:9 states that any man who divorces his wife and remarries commits adultery, unless his first wife was unchaste and that is the reason for the divorce (for a thorough explanation of remarriage after divorce, see my article “Are Christians Allowed to Remarry after Divorce?”). Thus, if a woman marries a divorced man, she is complicit in his adultery. Because adultery is a clear sin in Scripture, a woman may never marry a divorced man, unless the divorce was because his previous wife committed adultery.
4. He Must Sacrifice for Your Well-Being
Your potential husband must sacrifice for your well-being. The concept of sacrifice comes from Ephesians 5:25–33 where Paul expounds upon how a husband must treat his wife. Paul says the following:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
EPHESIANS 5:25–28, emphasis added
Jesus died on the cross (sacrificed his life) so that his bride (the church, that is those who believe in him) might be sanctified and perfect (Eph 5:25–27). Husbands are supposed to do the same for their wives. They are to sacrifice for their wife’s well-being.
What does it mean to sacrifice for one’s wife’s well-being? A wife’s well-being can be broken up into two major areas: spiritual well-being and physical well-being (emotional well-being is included in the two categories). A husband must sacrifice all he has to ensure his wife is spiritually and physically thriving. He must be the leader in the family that ensures his wife’s well-being. Let’s take a deeper look at what this practically means and how a man can prove he will do this prior to marriage.
Spiritual Well-Being
A husband must ensure that his wife is walking in the ways of Jesus (i.e., observing all that Jesus commanded [see Matt 28:18–19]), is growing in maturity of the Christian faith, and is released into using her God-given gifts and skills. To do this, the Christian husband must be familiar with Scripture, what Jesus has done, and how Jesus expects his people to live. The Christian husband must help his wife identify her spiritual gifts and help her find ways to exercise them for the Kingdom of God. To a degree, the potential husband can do all of these prior to marriage.
While dating, the Christian woman must discern whether or not her potential husband is spiritually mature himself and whether or not he is walking in the ways of Jesus. She must discern whether or not he can lead her. If she, her family, and her church determines he cannot lead her, then she should not marry him. Further, if he never engages you spiritually prior to marriage, there is a good case he might not be able/willing to lead you.
While dating, I led my wife in evangelism, helping the homeless, Scripture memory, and Bible study. A potential husband who does not do any of these, may not be able to lead his wife or provide for her spiritual well-being.
Physical Well-Being
A husband ensures that his wife has everything she needs in order to walk successfully in the ways of Jesus, such as protection from harm, shelter, food, clothing, and a safe, trustworthy, peaceful environment. While dating, the Christian woman must discern whether or not her potential husband is able to meet her physical well-being.
- Protection from harm. Does he have the means to protect her when they are out-and-about and while at home? This not only means protection from others, but protection from him. If the potential husband is prone to anger or has abusive tendencies, then she should not marry him, because he will be a constant threat to her while married. If he cannot protect her from harm, then she should not marry him.
- Shelter. Is he able to provide her with a place to live? If not, she should not marry him. This is difficult to prove prior to marriage since Christians are not allowed to live together prior to marriage. However, if the potential husband has a stable job and/or makes enough money to provide for living quarters, then he has checked this box.
- Food and clothing. Is he able to provide her with adequate quantity and quality food and clothing? If not, she should not marry him. Again, a stable job that earns enough money is a good sign. Also paying for all outings can prove he will provide for her.
- Safe, trustworthy, peaceful environment. Is he able to provide her with an environment that is safe,, trustworthy, reliable, peaceful, etc. This element touches more on the emotional side. If the potential husband has abusive tendencies (verbal or physical), is unreliable/untrustworthy (doesn’t show when he says he will or doesn’t do what he says he will do), or is unfaithful (watches pornography, is not a virgin, etc.), then she should not marry him. The potential husband should be trustworthy and peaceful prior to marriage to show he will be when married.
Sacrifice
A woman’s potential husband needs to prove throughout the courting period that he can and is willing to sacrifice for her well-being. This begins in the courting/dating stage (click here to see my article on whether Christians should date). While in the courting/dating stage, the potential husband should be discipling the woman, ensuring she is always protected, should exhibit meekness, should pay for everything they do together, should help her whenever she is in trouble/distress, should not engage in any sexual activity with her (or anyone else!), should not be looking at pornography, not be seeing other women, etc. All of this is to prove that he meets the biblical qualities of a Christian husband. The sacrifice should begin prior to marriage, and increase after marriage.
5. He Must Be Willing to Have Children
Your potential husband must be willing to have children. Western culture seems to undervalue children. Western culture tells both men and women that children get in the way of your dreams and your aspirations and your desires. Western culture does not talk about the blessing of children, the gift that children are to a married couple and a society. The most obvious way Western culture devalues children is the promotion of abortion (murdering children in the womb).
Scripture, however, has something else to say. Scripture not only claims that children are a blessing from the Lord (Pss 127 & 128), but Scripture claims that one of the purposes of marriage is to “be fruitful and multiply,” which means to have children (Gen 1:28). Because one of the purposes of marriage is to have children, Christian women must seek a man who is willing to have children. For more information about having children as one of the purposes of marriage, see my article about the purpose of marriage.
6. Non-Essential (but Helpful) Characteristics
Although this list is about “essential” characteristic to seek in a Christian husband, I would like to add a few more that are non-essential, but still characteristics to seriously consider.
Physical Attraction
It is wise to marry a man to whom you are physically attracted. Attraction is not the bedrock of a relationship, and if the above four essential characteristics are present, then marriage should seriously be considered. However, in our overly-sexualized Western society, I think it wise to marry someone you consider attractive. Marrying someone you consider attractive will mitigate sexual temptations, such as lust, thinking about other men, and adultery.
Respectable
Respectability is one of the qualities of an Elder (1 Tim 3:2). All of the qualities necessary to be an elder should ideally be found in one’s potential husband. I won’t highlight them all, but a woman would do well to marry a man who is respected by others, especially in the church.
Not Quarrelsome
It would be wise to marry a man who is not quarrelsome (1 Tim 3:3). Quarrelling frequently leads to arguments, which results in a household that is not at peace. Rather than someone who quarrels, marry a peacemaker (not a pushover, but a peacemaker).
Not a Lover of Money
Finally, it would be wise to marry someone who does not love money (1 Tim 3:3). Loving money frequently leads to arguments about money. It would be wise to marry someone who is wise with money, not in debt, and not a lover of money so that you stay out of debt.
Summary
When looking for a husband, Christian women should seek a man who is a Christian, who is a male from birth, who has never been divorced, who sacrifices for your well-being, and who is willing to have children. If a man does not meet even one of these criteria, you should not marry him. Finally, although not necessary, it would be wise to marry a man to whom you are attracted, who is respectable, not quarrelsome, and not a lover of money.
If Christians seek to marry well and marry biblically, then there will be a lot less divorce and a lot less heartache in the church. Pastors especially should encourage the men and women in their church to marry well and to be marriageable people.