Living together prior to marriage used to be a social taboo, but it has become the norm in the Western world for the past generation. This practice has crept into the church, and I rarely hear pastors or church leaders preaching and teaching against it. The terrible saying, ‘you must try before you buy’ (as if a person is a car or a shoe) has become the mantra of many younger folks, including many younger Christians.
The Bible does not explicitly address the topic of living together prior to marriage. It does, however, offer three principles that forbid unmarried Christian couples from living together prior to marriage.
Principle #1: Abstain from Sexual Immorality
The first principle that suggests unmarried Christian couples should not live together is the command for all Christians to abstain from sexual immorality. 1 Thessalonians is one of the clearest passages that prohibits Christians from engaging in any type of sexual immorality.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you”
1 THESSALONIANS 4:3–6, emphasis added
One type of sexual immorality is heterosexual sexual conduct outside of marriage, which includes sex and ‘fooling around’ (for a more in-depth treatment of sexual immorality, see my article entitled “What is Sexual Immorality according to the Bible”). Personally, I do not know of any unmarried couple who live together that do not engage in sex or sexual conduct with each other. The opportunity to engage in sexual immorality is ever-present when living with someone you are dating. However, Scripture is clear that it is God’s will for all Christians to abstain from all forms of sexual immorality. Thus, Christian couples should not live together prior to marriage so that they do not engage in sexual immorality.
Principle #2: Flee from Sexual Immorality and Its Temptation
“But Adam,” I hear you say, “surely there are unmarried couples who live together that do not engage in sexual immorality? Surely they can live together, right?” Unfortunately, no, they cannot live together because of our second biblical principle. The apostle Paul very clearly tells Christians to flee sexual immorality and its temptation:
- “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Cor 6:18, emphasis added).
- “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Cor 7:2, emphasis added).
The apostle Paul is clear that Christians should flee sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18). In fact, he backs up his statement four verses later by telling Christians that in order to avoid the temptation of sexual immorality, each Christian should marry and have a spouse (7:2–5).
Unmarried Christian couples who live together are not fleeing sexual immorality or the temptation of sexual immorality. Instead, they are walking head first into temptation! Every Christian should desire to obey God’s will and should put measures in place to obey it and to avoid breaking it. Thus, unmarried Christian couples should not live together prior to marriage because they are intentionally tempting themselves to disobey God by engaging in sexual immorality. Further, I am personally convinced that 100% of these unmarried Christians couples who live together prior to marriage will succumb to the temptation to engage in sexual conduct prior to marriage. Thus, don’t do it! Don’t live together until you are married!
Principle #3: Avoid the Appearance of Evil
The third principle that suggests unmarried Christian couples should not live together prior to marriage is the avoidance of the appearance of evil. I have used a common phrase that is well known from the King James translation of 1 Thessalonians 5:22: “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” Unfortunately, the KJV translation is incorrect. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 is not about the appearance of evil, but actually doing evil. All modern English Bible versions correctly translate 1 Thessalonians 5:22 as “Abstain from every form/kind of evil.” However, the principle that the King James Version of 1 Thessalonians 5:22 espouses is still correct and we see it in 1 Timothy 3:7 and Titus 1:6–7:
- “Moreover, he [the aspiring overseer] must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil” (1 Tim 3:7, emphasis added).
- “if anyone [who aspires to be an elder/overseer] is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain” (Tit 1:6–7, emphasis added).
Although 1 Timothy 3:7 and Titus 1:6–7 are qualifications for Christian elders/overseers, the qualifications are characteristics that should be found in every Christian. Christians are to emulate their elders/overseers who demonstrate how to live life as a faithful disciple of Jesus. Thus, Christian elders/overseers are to be the example and exemplar of correct behaviour and characteristics that all Christians should follow and instill within themselves. When Paul tells Timothy and Titus that elders/overseers must be “well thought of by outsiders” and “above reproach,” he is also by extension saying all Christians should be “well thought of by outsiders” and “above reproach” because they are to emulate the elders’ way of life. Thus, all Christians should be “well thought of by outsiders” and “above reproach.”
Unmarried Christian couples who live together are not living a life that is above reproach and are not well thought of by outsiders. Most people, including most Christians, who know of unmarried Christian couples living together believe that the couple is engaged in sexual activity (sexual immorality), which results in the unmarried couple being reproachable.
Further, the majority of non-Christians (outsiders) know that Christians are not allowed to engage in sexual conduct prior to marriage and many non-Christians believe that Christian couples should not live together until they are married. Thus, when non-Christians discover an unmarried Christian couple living together, the non-Christians also believe that the unmarried couple is engaged in sexual activity (sexual immorality), should not be living together, and the unmarried Christian couple are immediately thought of as ‘bad Christians’ by outsiders. Thus, to be beyond reproach and to maintain a positive witness for Christ in the face of outsiders, unmarried Christian couples should not live together prior to marriage.
Summary
Because Scripture tells Christians to abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thess 4:3–6), to flee from sexual immorality and the temptation toward sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:12–7:5), and to live a life that is above reproach and is well thought of by outsides (1 Tim 3:7; Tit 1:6–7), unmarried Christian couples should not live together prior to marriage. My advice for any unmarried Christian couple that is currently living together is to either (a) find separate living quarters immediately or (b) marry immediately (see my article on why Christians should marry).