Contrary to the false image Western men are given in the media as those who want to stay single and sleep around, most Christian men desire to marry, marry well, and remain married to the one woman. Some, of course, desire to remain single, which is both noble and biblical (see my article on biblical reasons to remain single). Because marriage images the gospel, it is imperative for men to marry well: “This mystery [marriage] is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph 5:32). This article seeks to help Christian men wisely choose a wife by providing them with six essential characteristics to seek in a potential wife according to the Bible.
1. She Must Be a Christian
Your potential wife must be a Christian. Marrying a Christian woman is non-negotiable according to the Bible. For the most part, it is assumed in the Bible that Christians will marry Christians. The most explicit place this is stated is 1 Corinthians 7:39, where Paul tells widows who wish to remarry that Christians must marry “in the Lord.” Marrying someone “in the Lord” means marrying someone who is a Christian (see my article “Should Christians Marry Non-Christians” for further explanation). Thus, a Christian man should not even go out on a date with a non-Christian woman because she is not marriageable. We should also remember the words that king Lemuel’s mother taught him:
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”
PROVERBS 31:30, emphasis added
There are two ways to determine if a person, and your potential wife, is a Christian. First, can she verbalize the gospel message? Is she able to tell you how she received the forgiveness of her sins? If not, she is most likely not a Christian. Second, does she live like a Christian? The New Testament is replete with how Christians are to live in light of the gospel. A good summary is the letter 1 John, which claims a person is a Christian if she/he (a) loves other Christians in deed, not just word, and (b) walks in the light as God is in the light (i.e., keeps God’s commandments). If your potential wife is able to verbalize the gospel and lives in a manner worthy of the gospel, then there is a good chance she is a Christian and you may marry her.
2. She Must Be a She
Your potential wife must be a female from birth. Because we live in the 2020s, we cannot take a person’s gender/sex for granted anymore. Sadly, we cannot assume that because a person looks and acts like a woman, that the person is a woman. Scripture is clear that there are only two genders/sexes: male and female (Gen 1:27). The femaleness of the wife is assumed throughout all of Scripture and is, thus, biblical (see Genesis 2:23–24 and Ephesians 5:22–33). As such, Christian men must ensure that their potential wife is a female and has been since birth: she must be a she.
3. She Must Not Be Divorced
Your potential wife must never have been divorced. Although this is certainly not a popular topic today, the New Testament is clear that disciples of Jesus are not allowed to marry any woman who has been divorced. Matthew 5:32 and Luke 16:18 state that any man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery, which is a clear sin, while Mark 10:12 states that any divorced woman who remarries commits adultery, making the man complicit in her sin. For a thorough explanation of remarriage after divorce, see my article “Are Christians Allowed to Remarry after Divorce?” Thus, divorced women are strictly off limits for Christian men.
4. She Must Be Willing to Submit to You
Your potential wife must be willing to submit to you. Just as controversial as divorce is the biblical mandate for Christian wives to submit to their husbands as they would submit to the Lord Jesus:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
EPHESIANS 5:22–24, emphasis added; also see 1 Peter 3:1–6
Marriage is bigger than the husband, the wife, and their happiness. As mentioned in the introduction of this article, marriage images the gospel (for more information about marriage imaging the gospel, see my article on the purpose of marriage). The way Ephesians 5:22–33 says marriages image the gospel is (a) with the husband loving his wife like Jesus loved the church and (b) with the wife submitting to the husband like the church submits to Jesus. Thus, a Christian man needs to marry a woman who will allow him to lead and will submit to him as the head of the household.
Finding a woman, even a Christian woman, who is willing to submit to her husband is difficult in 21st century because Western culture tells us that men and women have equal roles in everything and that anyone who says differently is attempting to oppress the opposite gender. This has gone to the extreme in modern Western culture with the denial of gender/sex and with the audacious and malicious lie that men can give birth.
However, when Christian husbands love like Jesus and Christian wives submit like the church, a Christian married couple can say, ‘Our marriage is a picture of the gospel. Look how good Jesus is to the church. Look how wonderful it is to submit to Jesus, how he takes care of us, matures us, and releases us to use our gifts for the kingdom of God.’
Men, find a good Christian woman who will submit to you. But don’t use her submission as a means to oppress or take advantage of her. Ephesians 5:25–33 is a stark reminder of your responsibilities to your wife and you would do well to memorize that passage.
5. She Must Be Willing to Have Children
Your potential wife must be willing to have children. One of the purposes of marriage is to “be fruitful and multiply,” which means to have children (Gen 1:28). Because every Christian marriage must seek to fulfill the purpose of marriage, the woman that a Christian man marries must be willing to have children. If she is unable to have children, she is not sinning. If you know she is unable to have children prior to marriage, you may still marry her. But she (and you) must be willing to have children. For who knows if and when the Lord will open the womb. For more information about having children as one of the purposes of marriage, see my article about the purpose of marriage.
6. Non-Essential (but Helpful) Characteristics
Although this list is about “essential” characteristics to seek in a Christian wife, I would like to add a few more that are non-essential, but still characteristics to seriously consider.
Beautiful
It is wise to marry a woman to whom you are physically attracted. I believe that men are more prone to lust than women. To mitigate thinking lustfully about other women and to mitigate the possibility of adultery, it would be wise to marry someone attractive in your eyes. Physical attractiveness is certainly not the bedrock of a marriage, but it would be wise to consider it when choosing a spouse. Plenty of men throughout Scripture married beautiful women, but some also married women who were ‘so-so’ (such as Jacob marrying Leah). Regardless of looks, once married, a husband must remain faithful to his wife and treat her well.
Has a Gentle and Quiet Spirit
In his discussion on wives (and tempering our expectations on physical beauty), Peter says the following:
“[Wives] Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
1 PETER 3:3–4, emphasis added
It would be wise for a Christian man to seek a woman who is not vain, but rather harbours a gentle and quiet spirit, and seeks to develop that which God deems beautiful and precious.
In like manner, seeking to marry a woman who has a quiet and gentle spirit will mitigate quarrels in the home and promote peace. The book of Proverbs has a number of warnings against quarrelsome wives:
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.”
PROVERBS 21:9; 27:15–16
Hospitable
In discussing which widows should be enrolled by the church for assistance, Paul describes the qualities of those Christian wives who lived according to the gospel. One of the characteristics of a godly wife that Paul mentions is hospitality (1 Timothy 5:9–10). A woman who is friendly, has a positive disposition, is able and enjoys entertaining guests and visitors will go a long way to a happy and exciting marriage and life! In my opinion, this is a must for pastors and missionaries.
Able to Manage the Household
A woman who can manage the household and rear children well is a blessing from the Lord and an excellent wife. The most famous passage that urges men to find wives who are able to manage the household well is Proverbs 31:10–31. I won’t quote it at length, but to encourage the men to seek such a woman, I will quote the blessing of finding such a wife:
“The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”
PROVERBS 31:11–12; also see 1 Tim 5:14
Because marrying a woman who is willing to have children is an essential characteristic in a wife, it would also be wise to find a woman who is able to rear children (1 Tim 5:10, 14). The time is coming, if it is not here already, when parents (especially mothers) will need to have a much more hands on approach in raising godly, wise, and intelligent children. As schools and churches drift from biblical values and beliefs, parents will once again need to be the primary educators of their children.
Summary
When looking for a wife, Christian men should seek a woman who is a Christian, who is a female from birth, who has never been divorced, who will submit to her husband as to the Lord Jesus, and who is willing to have children. If a woman does not meet even one of these criteria, you should not marry her. Finally, although not necessary, it would be wise to marry a woman to whom you are attracted, who has a gentle and quiet spirit, who is hospitable, and who is able to manage the household.
To some, the above characteristics to seek for in a wife may seem antiquated, but these are biblical. Not only are they biblical, but they are for Christians in every generation. I believe churches in the West need to step up and begin teaching the qualities and characteristics of husbands and wives so that Christian men and women can not only seek a biblical spouse that will better ensure a successful marriage, but so that Christian men and women can themselves be biblical spouses who please the Lord and their spouse.